On Your First Day of Middle School

First Day of Middle School The house is eerily quiet after a summer full of laughter and yelling.  And,  as I put the last load of laundry in the dryer, and sit down to relax before bed,  so many thoughts flood into my head. You finished your first day of Middle School.  Around this time last night, your Dad and I  sat and debated all the things that could go wrong and how we would handle it, if it did.  We were both nervous for you and dare I say shook. As we sat there with the tv off for almost 40 minutes just staring out into space.  It seemed unreal that our little timid girl was turning into this tween right in front of our eyes.    On our way home from dropping you off and speaking with your counselor, your Dad told me that he wrote you a note.  I grimaced a little, after all Dad is often known for his boyish ways (less frills and curls and more blunt and direct).  But, when I got home and read the letter. tears literally filled my eyes. (I thought about posting the note, but some things should be between a girl and her Dad.)  Now, I know that this doesn’t surprise you because over the years Mom has turn into MUSH.  Long gone are my hard exterior and Sky High Walls, blame your Dad for that.

But, I am in tears for many reasons.  There is nothing like knowing that your child is loved.  I know you are saying he is my Dad and he is supposed to love me.  Which of course is true, but it’s the way that he loves you that chokes me up.  It is knowing that we were all, you, me and Dad sitting on pins and needles for the last two weeks coming up to the New School Year.  It is the little secret conversations that I would catch a second or two of when walking by, over the summer.  The way he thought of how to prepare you as best he could for what comes next. Or the pride that I saw in his eyes when you walked across the stage at your Elementary School Graduation in May.  And, it is my own understanding that there really is nothing like a Daddy’s love for a little girl.

So as I brace myself for the Middle School Years and the changes that I know you will make and the person who you will become.  I remember something that I thought of when you were just a wee little girl.  I hoped that you would always be able to feel the love that surrounds you.  And, that means when we don’t see eye to eye, or when discipline feels more like punishment and my caring seems more like “stalkery”. And, all these years later as you embark on yet another part of your journey, I hope this still.  You are one of my greatest accomplishments and you are loved, supported and wished well in more ways than you will ever know.


Living In Between Stages

I have never had any desire to be a stay at home.  Well, that is not entirely true, during the eight weeks that I stayed at home with my girls after they were born, I wished I had the option to stay home with them for a while longer.  But, for as long as I can remember, my M-F consisted of dropping the kids off and heading off to work.  I don’t think you realize just how much you miss (luckily or unluckily, when you work outside the home.

Nothing could have prepared me for the changes that were to lie ahead of me.  I think that adjusting to any kind of change can have its twists and turns.  I think at first, I believed that this was definitely a temporary thing, I expected to be back to work in a matter of days at the most weeks. I had read all the accounts about what a mess the economy was in and just how hard it was to find something.  Naturally, I didn’t think that this would be my predicament.
But, I didn’t realize how many things factor into finding a new job.  I had been with the same company for twelve years, and had managed to move up through the ranks.  First, there was location, distance from home, gas and salary requirements.  I learned I was making downtown pay, in a rural area.  So in order to make what I was making in a place where I would want to work, I would have to drive downtown battle Atlanta traffic and then not make it home to my kids before 7.
So after going on several interviews and being frustrated by either the pay or the distance.  I decided to take a break.  My daughter’s eighth birthday party was fast approaching and the holiday season kept me pretty busy.  We had an amazing “memory worthy” Christmas.  Just like the ones I used to dream of having time to create.  And, I was pleased.
But, on the other side of that just like after a wedding is the let down, as I packed up the Christmas decorations.  I guess I packed up 2012 and with 2013 came the need for a new plan.  It was time for me to go back to work.  So, as I spend my days sending out applications and resumes, and scouring every possible job search board I can find.  I also find myself feeling like maybe I need to find  a way to become acclimated to my role here at home.  I guess in a way I have felt like this is not my life, when in fact it is, whether it is for two more days or two more years.  ( I hope its not that long.)
Transitioning and Acceptance go hand in hand, but how do you manage to do both at the same time?
Note:  After reading this over, I felt like I should mention just how blessed I am to have a husband who can adequately provide for us, while I muddle my way through all of this.

Happy Friday!!

This year has come with a lot of change for me.  For the record, I am not a fan of change, unless of course I am the one initiating it.  But, some change is beyond our control.  In August, after twelve years with the same company, I found myself laid off, and having to change directions mid-sail.  For me that meant, so many things.  I had to acknowledge and accept that so much of my identity was tied up in my job, and in the process, start to both reinvent and rediscover myself.  I had to make a shift from full time employee, to full time
stay at home mom and wife, while at the same time trying hard to hold on to some semblance of “me”, without feeling bitter and angry and hurt.

Truth of the matter, is that I had to go through all those emotions.  There were lows, but there were highs too.  I worried about how this change would affect my family, and my marriage   And, I was right to worry.  But, I was also wrong.  This experience has given me the opportunity to experience and fully grasp things that I don’t know that I would have ever seen otherwise.  Like… I married an amazing man, I mean I knew that, but.  In the day to day of life, you sometimes lose track of why God made your spouse “just for you”.  My hubby and I are soo very different, but he was able to step back and let me go through all the things I needed to go through.  While softly, reassuring me that he had my back, and that he loved me, and that we would be ok.  I got a chance to be at home with my little one.  She is 2 and with my other two children, at this time in their life, I was fully vested in my work.  I never got to hang out with them and color in the middle of the day, blow bubbles, or just be silly and laugh, except maybe on the weekends.  And, although I fear she is getting too attached to me, I wouldn’t pass up this opportunity, if it came around again.  I have had a chance to spend more time with my 8 year old, and see life through her eyes. and see how much like me she is.


I am writing this post with tears in my life, because my life is rich.  I am blessed and highly favored, and through no doing of my own, but simply by God’s grace in my life and the life of my family.